Oh, No Not I, I Will Survive...I Think.

So it's Thursday of finals week here at school. It's my last day and I have 4 exams down and one to go. I'm so stressed out I can't stand it. But I get like this every time midterms and finals roll around. I'm a nervous wreck, what can I say. I officially haven't sleep for 2 nights in a row and I'm so tired I can't stand it. My dad told me that all of this stress will pay of in the long run and I hope he's right. When I'm not studying, I'm writing. I started a book when I was 16 and have yet to finish it 4 years later. It's probably because I keep erasing everything and starting over. It just never seems good enough. So I decided 2 nights ago that I'm just going to write and have to be ok with wherever that takes me. They say first instincts are the best so I'll go on mine and see what happens. I'm not going to say what it's about but it is what I would consider an epic. I'm very excited and I can't wait to see if maybe one day it will be published. Right now it's just a diversion from real life and entertainment during bouts of severe insomnia. But maybe it'll turn into something I can really be proud of. Until then I must focus on finals...ugh.

Sorry...

The likelihood of me posting anything of substance for November is pretty bleak. I'm just too busy, and it all would be repetitive nonsense anyway. I'm following the presidential race and you should be too. Go Senator McCain!!! I'll make up for my lack of posting later.

Left Out

Recently it seems that every girl I went to high school with is either, in a serious relationship, engaged, or married, and I just graduated in '06. I can't help but feel a little left out. Like maybe there is some secret meeting or club that I'm never invited to. It's very strange to see everyone that I've known pretty much all my life change so quickly. Meanwhile, I'm at school pursuing my education, thinking about law school, and contemplating transferring to Boston, Mass. I know that I'm not doing the wrong thing, in fact I'm doing the right thing by furthering my education and whatnot, I just feel that somehow, somewhere along the way I didn't pick up that valuable piece of information everyone else seems to be so well read on. I've been so headstrong about my future I've paid absolutely no attention to the present and I believe I am paying for that now. I know there is no way to make up for lost time but maybe I can make the rest of my years worthwhile. I'm only 20, I hope I have the time that suggests. It's not that I want to be married at this age, I'm just wondering if I skipped the part where I was told it was a requirement. As for the relationship thing, I'll probably be the old lady at the end of the street with 57 cats all named Bob. But they say that good things come to those who wait, I guess I'll keep on waiting.

20 Things

Idea from Maria.

1. I am a Republican (okay I've mentioned that, but I don't think I've mentioned I'm a maverick Republican)
2. I don't hate math, it hates me. Well, actually I hate it too.
3. I read about 5 books a week along with an assortment of articles, poems, and short stories.
4. My favorite type of book is historical fiction.
5. I thought about being a History teacher for about 3 seconds then realized I didn't have the patience for it.
6. When I walk into a library I immediately feel like I belong.
7. I'm extremely proud of my heritage.
8. I am a walking encyclopedia for movies. When my friends have a question about one they ask me.
9. I am very well educated on Greek, Roman, and Norse Mythology.
10. When I was in 5th grade one of my poems was published in a book. It was the worst poem I have ever written.
11. My favorite artists are Vincent Van Gogh and Johannes Vermeer, and Andy Warhol.
12. Before I wanted to be involved in the justice system I wanted to be an Archaeologist.
13. I hate little boats.
14. I can cuss in Italian thanks to my Uncle Louie.
15. My favorite actor is Kevin Spacey. The man is talented.
16. My favorite T.V shows are House, Law & Order CI, Monk, Nancy Grace, Anderson Cooper 360, Forensic Files, Man vs. Wild, Ghost Hunters, and The Soup.
17. I have two tattoos, one on the back of my left ankle and one around my right ankle.
18. My middle name is Charity, my mother's middle name is Faith, and my grandmother's middle name is Hope.
19. I collect black and white pictures and rosaries.
20. I believe in ghosts, but only if Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson say they are real.

REMEMBER SEPTEMBER 11TH

I can't believe its been six years...It feels like it happened just yesterday. I still remember what I was wearing.

Calm Before The Storm

So here it is just hours before I'm set to get up to start moving back into my dorm room and I'm still awake (shocker there). My mom already started crying a week ago, possibly even before that. I hate leaving her, I wish I could stay a teenager and forever live in her house as a child because I know she would love nothing more, but I can't. In just a couple months I'll be 20, out of my teen years forever. I want to grow up, I don't have a Peter Pan complex, I just hate seeing my mother cry. I hope she knows that I love her and I can't stand it when I can't walk downstairs and talk to her face to face when I want. I have a bad feeling that this year in school is going to be a lonely one for me because there were quite a few bridges burned last semester before the summer. I have no desire to repair them. So I'm going to have to find new friends and maybe just maybe I'll pull my head out of my ass long enough to find a boyfriend. It's a strange feeling I have tonight, I'm happy to be going into my sophomore year, sad to be leaving home, and angry because I have to put up with the girls that weren't there for me when I needed them. Should be fun times.

What A Waste

Well, the Ambien didn't work. Needless to say I'm not too terribly shocked about that. Otherwise not much has been happening. I really don't have enough to say to put in this blog. Sometimes that upsets me, other times I get a little realistic and realize that I'm probably the only person that reads any of this. I guess right now that I feel that the Ambien and this blog are a waste. Hopefully I'm wrong on both counts.

Drugged

I have officially been prescribed Ambien after I had 2 doctors spend a week trying to figure out whether it should be that or Lunesta. I just want to sleep hopefully now I can and I won't have to be on this medication for long term.

Forgotten

I sit here and wonder why my phone doesn’t ring
Why do you only call when you need me for something?
You just take what you can get and then disappear
I think this is something you need to hear
You don’t deserve me, I’m to good for you
You underestimated me you’re really the fool
I can replace you so easily
Because there is no one else like me

Copyright © 2008 by Nicci

All of my poems/songs are really copyrighted so DO NOT steal them I will find you.

All Quiet On The Midwestern Front

There hasn't been a whole lot going on in my life lately...to be honest it's been downright boring. The extent of the happenings I have been writing about, not sleeping, Boston, etc. By the way I think I forgot to mention that I'm not leaving for Boston until the start of my junior year in college. It's not as soon as I would like it to be but at least it seems like it's going to happen. Other than that it's been pretty event less. Man I need to take up an extreme sport or jump off things or something so I'm a little more exciting.

Good Grief

I still have not heard back from my doctor so I have no idea why I can't sleep. My insomnia has caused me to remember a quote from Fight Club, "With insomnia you're never really asleep and you're never really awake." Well that's true until your doctor drugs your ass, or attempts to anyway. Obviously it hasn't kicked in yet because it's 4 in the morning and I'm, you guessed it, AWAKE. I don't think that it's too much to ask to be able to sleep but evidently it is. I hoping that when I hear back from her, which better be tomorrow, I'll find out what exactly is wrong with me and I'll be able to fix it. Now to quote Jaws, "I can't take this abuse much longer."

VOTE FOR HIM!!!

It's just a suggestion...I definitely am.

Sleepless

Well it's no secret that I have wicked bad insomnia and get about 2 hours of sleep a night. Hopefully that will be a thing of the past after tomorrow (when I say tomorrow I actually mean in about 6 hours because it's fairly early in the morning but it's not "tomorrow" to me until the sun comes up) because I have a doctor's appointment to help me rid myself of this very exhausting condition. The believe it is my thyroid of all things which I think is crazy because I'm only 19 years old. But I am at the point now that as long as it's not leprosy and it's curable I don't care what's keeping me awake. As long as they know what it is and they can fix it I'll be happy. I just want an answer and a solution because all this sleeplessness is starting to catch up with me. Plus I'm not so fond of the dark circles under my eyes. My mom says she can't see them but they are there I tell you!!! My sleeplessness is the reason why I started this blog in the first place, to have something to occupy myself when I'm awake at 5 in the morning with nothing to do. I have always been nocturnal, a night owl so to speak, and I don't mind staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning but I draw the line at 7 and 8 which is what I have been staying up to. Even though I'm young I really can't take it any more. It's starting to affect me in bad ways. I can't remember things, I'm exhausted, I have zero energy. I highly doubt I'm much fun to be around but that should all be over after tomorrow. I have my fingers crossed. :)

Wondering...

I catch myself, more so now than ever before, wondering about my future. Meaning, where will I be in 5 years and such things as that. Hopefully I'll be published, I'm working on writing a book if you didn't know that, and living in Boston as a FBI agent or a DA. I hope I'm happy in my future, that's all I really want. I just want to be happy, feel safe and be with a man that loves me. I suppose I'm jumping the gun with that whole relationship thing, but nobody wants to be alone right? Not even me. Not that I need someone, I just want someone. My mom says I'm beautiful but I don't believe her. Maybe someday I will. Anyway that's getting off subject. I really want to make a difference in this world, that's my main goal. We all have a purpose, I believe mine is to make the world a safer place, believe it or not. I have a bad feeling that this is making me sound crazy, or just entirely too random. But that's me in a nutshell, random.

Unhappy

She looked at me and said
In this world when only the strong should survive
Tell me why, why the weak like me seem to thrive?
I know I shouldn’t be this way
I should want to stay
But I just don’t care anymore
I’m ready to lock all my windows and doors
And just sit in the silence until the end is here
But dying alone is my biggest fear
I can't believe the person in the mirror is me
How did I become so unhappy?

Copyright © 2008 by Nicci

All of my poems/songs are really copyrighted so DO NOT steal them I will find you.

Obsession

My obsession with Boston has peaked in the past few weeks. I want to live there so bad I can't stand it. What was that book that Oprah had on her show? The one about if you think it will happen enough it will? Oh, well I can't think of it right now. I do know that I have been hoping and praying about Boston a very large amount. I just feel like I need to be there. This is driving me nuts and in the process I'm probably driving my mom nuts because I keep asking her about it every 5 minutes. I know it probably isn't good for me to think about it so much but I can't help it. But on the other hand I'm afraid I may be jinxing it...what to do, what to do. If it would just happen I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Then I would have something else to talk about besides Boston. Hopefully in 3 months I'll be there and I'll a lot more to talk about :)

Crossing My Fingers

I am hoping that everything will iron out with the college I'm trying to go to in Boston. I'm in the process of trying to transfer from the one I'm at now. That's why my last post with the city skyline said I'd hopefully be living there in the not so distant future. Things don't seem to be going very well but I still have hope. I want to move there so bad I can't stand it so I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and praying for the best. If everything works out I can't even begin to express how happy I would be. I don't want to jinx it but I can't help but think about it every minute of every day. It's dominating my thoughts. Here's to hoping :)

My City

I will live here someday hopefully in the not so distant future.

N-O-C-T-U-R-N-A-L

I'm nocturnal, that's my preferred euphemism for insomnia. I can never sleep, unless it's raining like that girl in the Matchbox 20 song. By the time I actually manage to pass out from sheer exhaustion most normal people are just getting up. One of the reasons why I started this blog in the first place was to give me something to do on sleepless nights. That's the reason why have about a million and one posts leading up to when I started college. They taper off after that because I started spending the nights studying instead of spilling my guts on here. I had to sort out my priorities I suppose and ended up neglecting something I really liked to do. But now that there are no more assignments or overly dramatic friends to deal with I can get back to my blogging like I used to and start to say more of the nothing I prattle on about but hey it gives me something to do at 3:30 in the morning.

My Favorite GOP Debate Quote

"He is responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent Americans. He is now orchestrating other attacks on the United States of America. We will do whatever is necessary. We will capture him. We will bring him to justice, and I will follow him to the gates of hell."~ John McCain on Osama Bin Laden at the GOP Debates

I am officially beyond jazzed that John McCain formally announced his candidacy for President for the 2008 election by the way :)

College Student Returns...Again

I'm back home and trying to get into the swing of things. I got really used to being independent and living by myself. I love my family and I love being back home it's just strange that I feel like I have to re-establish my place in the household because for 9 months I really wasn't here except for on the weekends. It sort of sucked knowing that I wasn't in the mix of things anymore, I almost felt like an outcast when I came home on the weekends to discover something new had happened. Most of the time it was something minuscule but I still felt left out because if I had been living there constantly like I used to I would have known all about it. All in all I'm glad to be back home and I almost feel like it's the same as it was when I was in high school, I even got my old job at the video store back. I'm looking forward to the break and spending some quality time with my family, because I didn't get to see them as much as I should have.

Virginia Tech

Something has happened to make me come out of my long absence from blogging. The tragedy at Virginia Tech. My heart and prayers go out to all the victims, their families, and the school. I hope as a nation and a people that we can band together with them to offer some comfort if any is possible.

God Bless

FIGHTING WORDS

Ok, here's the deal, I'm a Republican and I have made no attempt to disguise that. It's what I am and if some don't like it I don't care. I may be a Republican but I am not a hard core conservative, I'm moderate. What that means, at least to me, is that I'm not liberal or conservative, too far left or right, I'm right smack dab in the middle. I think this is a good thing because I'm able to understand were both (totally different) sides are coming from. Well, I told you that to tell you this: I was in my American Politics class and my prof decided to split us up into three groups, liberal, conservative, moderate. Well, you would figure that I would be in the moderate category...no. I was put in the conservative group and wanted to put the girl sitting next to me head through the wall. I except everyone's point of view because I understand everyone has an opinion and 9 times out of 10 it's going to be different than mine. But there is a right way to disagree with someone and a wrong way, and basically telling me I'm stupid is the WRONG way. What is the subject my teacher gave us to discuss you may wonder...abortion. Yeah, people wanted to choke each other. She asked us where we stood on abortion in several different cases, rape, incest, mother's life is endanger. Well, the conservatives and the liberals didn't really have that hard of time because everything the conservatives said "no" to the liberals said "yes" to. Shocker there. The conservatives were against any type of abortion in any case. I personally believe that it should not be used as a form of birth control. I don't think a girl should be able to be promiscuous or just stupid and not use protection and the be able to say, "I'm going to the clinic." It should work that way, she chose to make the child she should have to carry it even if she just gives it up for adoption. But in the case of rape, and a lot of times in incest, the girl had no choice in the matter it happens by force or coercion. I believe that since the woman had no choice in creating the child she should be able to have a choice not to carry it. Because it is something she did not plan to do. She is going to spend 9 months of her life carrying her rapist's or a family member's baby. The emotional turmoil that would put her through is probably unbearable. The girl sitting next to me in the class said, "It's not the baby's fault, the baby has rights too." Ok, well just because you believe that doesn't mean you should be able to force that belief on someone else. It's easy to say things like, "She should carry that baby." When it isn't you. The mother should not have to forfeit her rights to a child she never intended on carrying in the first place. Plus you can't just think of these victims as grown women, what if the girl in question is 12 years old. Are you going to tell that child that she has to carry a baby after she went through the trauma of being raped, or incest? Are you going to make her go through the pain, and the stigma of being pregnant at such a young age? Also, lets say there's a chance (because there is) someone engaged in consentual incest, if the baby was conceived from incest there is a good chance the child would have major things wrong with it. Just some things to consider.

Dean's List

Just found out I'm on the Dean's List. That's a real confidence booster heading into my second semester. I can't believe I'm already finished with my first. Let's hope this is a sign of greater things to come.

College Student Returns

I'm getting ready to head back to school after almost a month off for Christmas and New Year's. I'm looking forward to most of my classes. The only one I'm dreading is the evil math. I'm ready to see all my friends and to start hanging out again. Pretty soon I'll be even busier than what I was last semester so I need to get the quality time in while I still can.