Calm Before The Storm

So here it is just hours before I'm set to get up to start moving back into my dorm room and I'm still awake (shocker there). My mom already started crying a week ago, possibly even before that. I hate leaving her, I wish I could stay a teenager and forever live in her house as a child because I know she would love nothing more, but I can't. In just a couple months I'll be 20, out of my teen years forever. I want to grow up, I don't have a Peter Pan complex, I just hate seeing my mother cry. I hope she knows that I love her and I can't stand it when I can't walk downstairs and talk to her face to face when I want. I have a bad feeling that this year in school is going to be a lonely one for me because there were quite a few bridges burned last semester before the summer. I have no desire to repair them. So I'm going to have to find new friends and maybe just maybe I'll pull my head out of my ass long enough to find a boyfriend. It's a strange feeling I have tonight, I'm happy to be going into my sophomore year, sad to be leaving home, and angry because I have to put up with the girls that weren't there for me when I needed them. Should be fun times.

What A Waste

Well, the Ambien didn't work. Needless to say I'm not too terribly shocked about that. Otherwise not much has been happening. I really don't have enough to say to put in this blog. Sometimes that upsets me, other times I get a little realistic and realize that I'm probably the only person that reads any of this. I guess right now that I feel that the Ambien and this blog are a waste. Hopefully I'm wrong on both counts.

Drugged

I have officially been prescribed Ambien after I had 2 doctors spend a week trying to figure out whether it should be that or Lunesta. I just want to sleep hopefully now I can and I won't have to be on this medication for long term.

Forgotten

I sit here and wonder why my phone doesn’t ring
Why do you only call when you need me for something?
You just take what you can get and then disappear
I think this is something you need to hear
You don’t deserve me, I’m to good for you
You underestimated me you’re really the fool
I can replace you so easily
Because there is no one else like me

Copyright © 2008 by Nicci

All of my poems/songs are really copyrighted so DO NOT steal them I will find you.

All Quiet On The Midwestern Front

There hasn't been a whole lot going on in my life lately...to be honest it's been downright boring. The extent of the happenings I have been writing about, not sleeping, Boston, etc. By the way I think I forgot to mention that I'm not leaving for Boston until the start of my junior year in college. It's not as soon as I would like it to be but at least it seems like it's going to happen. Other than that it's been pretty event less. Man I need to take up an extreme sport or jump off things or something so I'm a little more exciting.

Good Grief

I still have not heard back from my doctor so I have no idea why I can't sleep. My insomnia has caused me to remember a quote from Fight Club, "With insomnia you're never really asleep and you're never really awake." Well that's true until your doctor drugs your ass, or attempts to anyway. Obviously it hasn't kicked in yet because it's 4 in the morning and I'm, you guessed it, AWAKE. I don't think that it's too much to ask to be able to sleep but evidently it is. I hoping that when I hear back from her, which better be tomorrow, I'll find out what exactly is wrong with me and I'll be able to fix it. Now to quote Jaws, "I can't take this abuse much longer."

VOTE FOR HIM!!!

It's just a suggestion...I definitely am.

Sleepless

Well it's no secret that I have wicked bad insomnia and get about 2 hours of sleep a night. Hopefully that will be a thing of the past after tomorrow (when I say tomorrow I actually mean in about 6 hours because it's fairly early in the morning but it's not "tomorrow" to me until the sun comes up) because I have a doctor's appointment to help me rid myself of this very exhausting condition. The believe it is my thyroid of all things which I think is crazy because I'm only 19 years old. But I am at the point now that as long as it's not leprosy and it's curable I don't care what's keeping me awake. As long as they know what it is and they can fix it I'll be happy. I just want an answer and a solution because all this sleeplessness is starting to catch up with me. Plus I'm not so fond of the dark circles under my eyes. My mom says she can't see them but they are there I tell you!!! My sleeplessness is the reason why I started this blog in the first place, to have something to occupy myself when I'm awake at 5 in the morning with nothing to do. I have always been nocturnal, a night owl so to speak, and I don't mind staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning but I draw the line at 7 and 8 which is what I have been staying up to. Even though I'm young I really can't take it any more. It's starting to affect me in bad ways. I can't remember things, I'm exhausted, I have zero energy. I highly doubt I'm much fun to be around but that should all be over after tomorrow. I have my fingers crossed. :)

Wondering...

I catch myself, more so now than ever before, wondering about my future. Meaning, where will I be in 5 years and such things as that. Hopefully I'll be published, I'm working on writing a book if you didn't know that, and living in Boston as a FBI agent or a DA. I hope I'm happy in my future, that's all I really want. I just want to be happy, feel safe and be with a man that loves me. I suppose I'm jumping the gun with that whole relationship thing, but nobody wants to be alone right? Not even me. Not that I need someone, I just want someone. My mom says I'm beautiful but I don't believe her. Maybe someday I will. Anyway that's getting off subject. I really want to make a difference in this world, that's my main goal. We all have a purpose, I believe mine is to make the world a safer place, believe it or not. I have a bad feeling that this is making me sound crazy, or just entirely too random. But that's me in a nutshell, random.

Unhappy

She looked at me and said
In this world when only the strong should survive
Tell me why, why the weak like me seem to thrive?
I know I shouldn’t be this way
I should want to stay
But I just don’t care anymore
I’m ready to lock all my windows and doors
And just sit in the silence until the end is here
But dying alone is my biggest fear
I can't believe the person in the mirror is me
How did I become so unhappy?

Copyright © 2008 by Nicci

All of my poems/songs are really copyrighted so DO NOT steal them I will find you.