She's Back

My mom came home and I'm so happy she's back. I was afraid she was going to be gone longer but luckily she wasn't. I missed her and things just aren't the same when she's not around. When I told my dad how much I missed her he told me that I understood how they would feel when I left for college. They are seriously trying to make an emotional mess out of me. I'm just so glad she's home.

Paging Dr. Lecter

"A census taker once tried to test me, I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti." (insert sound effect here)
-Dr. Hannibal Lecter aka Anthony Hopkins, The Silence of the Lambs-

I don't know why but all the talk about hospitals made me think of this. He is, after all, the coolest doctor ever. I rooted for him through every movie because he's awesome I don't care if he's supposed to be the bad guy (he's number 6 on the "100 Greatest Villians of all Time" list). My mother got me hooked on "Silence" when I was about 8. You might think that's strange but it's not the only movie I've seen a million times because of her. I can quote The Silence of the Lambs verbatim but I can also quote Jaws, Silver Bullet, and Manhunter. I am so desensitized when it comes to gore I can eat a pizza and watch an autopsy. I'm serious. Her parenting skills are different but I turned out okay.... or did I? Is this Clarice? Hello Clarice.

Hospitals Scare Me

People always ask others why they fear what they fear. Why are you afraid of heights? Why are you afraid of snakes. Why are you afraid of the IRS? I get these types of questions often. I'm afraid of hospitals and that's really the only thing I can think of that I fear. I have no other reason except for; they suck and every time I have been to one it's been for something bad (see below post) except for once. I know it's really not a normal fear (didn't know it was strange until I had about five people at school tell me) but it's my fear and everyone has one. I am a rational person but this is one thing even I can't talk myself out of.

Just Be Okay

My mom is in the hospital she has been since Saturday morning. I'm really worried about her. She gets sick a lot and it's never something minor. Her doctor asked her why in the heck she can't come in with a cold. She told him she doesn't do it on purpose and she doesn't. I just want her to come home. She's too young to have so many problems and she doesn't deserve any of it. It scares me. I don't know what I'd do, what any of us in my family would do without her. I spent 9 hours in the hospital and I ended up being awake for 31 hours straight. I came home from a movie at 1 in the morning and sat with her until 4 in the morning. She told me to go to bed because she might need me to go to the doctor with her because she had a really bad toothache caused by an exposed nerve in her mouth. It was so bad it made her cry and she never cries she has such a high tolerance for pain. She came and got me a short time later before I really had a chance to sleep and we went to the emergency room. She started to have chest pains while the doctor was looking at her (she has a heart condition). I stayed there with her until about 6 in the evening then I went home and fell asleep at 7. Mom had been up for 3 days. They ended up keeping her overnight plus another night they weren't supposed to. I hate that she still isn't home. I miss her. I really just want her to be okay. She told me I was the best daughter ever and that she loves me. She made me cry.

Truth

"War is not about dying for your country, it's about making the other bastard die for his."
-George S. Patton-

Impatience

When I was younger I couldn't wait to go to college. By the time I was in sixth grade I was bored with the school I had to do and was ready for school I wanted to do. I'm in the last stretch before I hit college and even today the waiting is killing me. I am not going to lie I am a very impatient person but cut me some slack I have been waiting for college since forever. People keep telling me that I am going to miss high school, that I'm going to wish that I was back there when I get into the real world. They don't understand that's where I am meant to be. I'm supposed to be in the real world it's where I belong. It's impossible to make a difference when one resides someplace other than the real world. High school wasn't all that thrilling for me and the only thing I am going to miss are my friends but I'm not too shook up because even though I won't get to see them as much I will still see them. I basically used high school for what it was intended for; to learn. Imagine that. I never went to a single party during my entire four years, never drank, never did drugs, never even got a speeding ticket. I saw the consequences suffered by my fellow students and I weighed the outcome of good and bad. Most of the time bad surpassed good. So I read books, watched the news, worked at my job at the video store, and tried to keep myself informed all the while thinking that I was tired of wondering about college, and what my classes were going to be like. I have a little over a month and it feels like it's limping along. I'm spending time with my friends before we all have to part ways in the fall and it's been a lot of fun. But I'm still waiting and it's driving me crazy.

Words To Live By

For the test of the heart is trouble and it always comes with years
and the smile that is worth the praises of earth
is the smile that shines through the tears
(More wisdom from the Irish.)

A Blessing

May you have food and shelter, a soft pillow for your head
May you be 40 years in heaven before the Devil knows you're dead
(It's nice to know the Irish have a sense of humor.)

Thinking Too Much

I am guilty of thinking too much. If there even is such a thing. I honestly can't help it my mind just keeps going whether I want it to or not. I have an overwhelming need to know everything and that can suck when a person is really trying to sleep. I'll be trying to fall asleep and then all of the sudden remember something stupid like, "What was Monk's brother's name?" and proceed to rack my brain for hours. That's something trivial but there are other things, important things I think about. One of my favorite teachers wrote in my senior memories book that I was like Cassandra, meaning I can see the future but people tend to not listed to me. It can be a blessing and a curse but at least I'll know what's coming because, I think too much. I worry about the future, because like I have said in previous posts, it's not solid. That makes me nervous. It's like walking a tightrope, it's shakey and balance can change. I worry about the world, my friends, my family, my future. My friend calls me a worry wort but I can't help it, why? Because I think too much.

The Way It Should Be

In Norse mythology being a coward is worse than all else. The Gods fight even though they know that they will eventually not be victorious. They believe that as long as they fight they will win no matter the outcome of the battle. They cannot lose unless they are cowards. A few months ago in my Classical Lit class, my teacher Mrs. C, asked us the two best questions I have ever heard anyone ask. "Even if you are certain you will be defeated, would you still fight? If someone you cared about was in trouble and you are positive they will die no matter what you do, would you still defend them?" My answer was yes, because a person can never be 100% sure they will lose. There is always a chance the stars will align and fate will smile and make someone the luckiest person in the world. There are people like this all the time they're called "Underdogs" and they don't always lose. I would fight because I am a fighter by nature. I do not handle defeat well. I would die to try save my family because that is the way it should be. I don't care if all odds are against me I'm going to try anyway because no one tells me I can't do something. I love my family too much to just leave them behind, they would never leave me behind. I would always fight for what I believe in and love because the truth is if it's not worth fighting for, than a person doesn't truly believe in it or love it. The fight itself proves who a person is. I guess this makes me Norse by way of belief.